I've said it before, yet it seems appropriate that I say it again. I want to be perfect. I want to be right every time I make a choice. Sadly, I fail often. I really hate to fall flat on my face, but then I do another mess up and tell others when I fail.
I want sympathy, or maybe someone to tell me I really didn't mess up things. I don't usually get that or at least not convincingly. My life has been an open book, but recently I've taken to the position of keeping things between me and God. Oh, but there are times I shout out the trips, goofs, pie-in-the-face bloopers that embarass me and cause me to regret ever opening my mouth.
I've had quite a few of those times recently. The sad realization is that in opening my mouth I am closing my heart to those I trusted. I opened myself up to the inspection of others and that inspection failed. My next failure is that I no longer want to allow them as a confidant again. I do not want to be with them for fear of telling all and leaving with the truth of my failure blazoned on my chest (or at least my face!)
Is there a balance? I truly believe that in sharing we can grow and live life more abundantly. In my experience, however, it is hard to share freely when the other person holds back, or the other person thinks it necessary or their position to fix my problems.
Are you safe? Are you a person in which my life , my feelings, my joys, sorrows, and failures are safe with? Are you the one to whom I can take my broken life to and trust that you will gently carry it to the only One who knows, loves and fixes perfectly? I want to be that kind of person. I want to be safe for others because I know how much it hurts to fall victim to a misunderstanding between friends.
Right now my walls protect me and give me time to heal. Be patient. If you are a safe place for me wait till I am ready to open the door of my heart. Till then it will stay between me and my Savior Friend. I know He is safe!
2 comments:
No one can nor will ever be perfect. Jesus is the only one that was and ever will be. Sorry. =) I know how you feel sometimes though! I try so hard to do the right thing all the time, but I goof up quite often. All I can do is either appologize or laugh about it or both sometimes!
When my mom died I put up walls to everyone. Especially family and friends that were like family. That is probably why we all drifted apart. We all put up walls. I thought it was a good thing, having walls. That way I didn't have to show my emotions and get hurt. I thought I loved it. Actually; I hated it. By having walls I DID keep people out. Which hurt more. I was close with no one. I kept everything inside which was like a boiling pot of water with a lid on it. (It's gotta release sometime!) Being alone sucked. I mean, I had God, but that was it. And in my opinion, you need more than that! He wants us to have more than that!
Dave was the FIRST one to enter my walls. Slowly I started bringing them down. They are still up, although not to him. I do not know how long it will take for them to be all the way down, and honestly, I don't know if they ever will be. They are still up against family and friends, but they are lower than they once were. Sometimes I still feel alone and not loved by any but my husband and parents. But when that happens, I now call someone. I vent. I feel better afterwards. Having that connection with someone really feels good.
I don't know if when you write you want our opinions or if you just want us to read and keep our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. Even if you don't like what I say (ever) it does feel good to think about things and "vent" back. =) Thanks!
Your comments are always welcome.
My "want" doesn't diminish just because I "know" I am not perfect and never can be.
I am glad that David has filled a place in your life that brings you safety and comfort. I hope that Jesus is reserved a special place in your heart as well. (I think I can say He does!)
Blessings and love, MomS
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