I've said it before, yet it seems appropriate that I say it again. I want to be perfect. I want to be right every time I make a choice. Sadly, I fail often. I really hate to fall flat on my face, but then I do another mess up and tell others when I fail.
I want sympathy, or maybe someone to tell me I really didn't mess up things. I don't usually get that or at least not convincingly. My life has been an open book, but recently I've taken to the position of keeping things between me and God. Oh, but there are times I shout out the trips, goofs, pie-in-the-face bloopers that embarass me and cause me to regret ever opening my mouth.
I've had quite a few of those times recently. The sad realization is that in opening my mouth I am closing my heart to those I trusted. I opened myself up to the inspection of others and that inspection failed. My next failure is that I no longer want to allow them as a confidant again. I do not want to be with them for fear of telling all and leaving with the truth of my failure blazoned on my chest (or at least my face!)
Is there a balance? I truly believe that in sharing we can grow and live life more abundantly. In my experience, however, it is hard to share freely when the other person holds back, or the other person thinks it necessary or their position to fix my problems.
Are you safe? Are you a person in which my life , my feelings, my joys, sorrows, and failures are safe with? Are you the one to whom I can take my broken life to and trust that you will gently carry it to the only One who knows, loves and fixes perfectly? I want to be that kind of person. I want to be safe for others because I know how much it hurts to fall victim to a misunderstanding between friends.
Right now my walls protect me and give me time to heal. Be patient. If you are a safe place for me wait till I am ready to open the door of my heart. Till then it will stay between me and my Savior Friend. I know He is safe!